I see it over and over with the women I’ve mentored, as well as friends and family. All too often I hear concerns about how life is so hectic and busy that there isn’t time to keep up, let alone do something enjoyable for yourself. Chances are, you’re reading this because you’ve felt that way too.
But life doesn’t have to be chaotic. I’m here to tell you that you can live a full and meaningful life that doesn’t feel out of control everyday. Your life can be active and rich, but it shouldn’t have you reaching for a glass of wine to decompress each night.
I’m also here to tell you what I’ve observed, both in my own life and in the lives of others. You’re probably not going to like what I’m about to say… but someone needs to say it… WE are the cause of most of our own chaos. WE are the most likely culprit for why our life is so damn busy. Did that sting a little? Yeah, it sucked when I realized it for myself.
Let’s look at five of the ways we create our own chaos.
You say yes to all the things.
I’m going to let you in on one of my best kept secrets. You can say no to things you don’t want to do, or that you don’t have time to do, and you should not feel guilty. When the hell was it written that we are expected to say yes to everything asked of us in order to be a good parent, spouse, friend, coworker, person, etc? I can always tell when I’m back in a pattern of over-committing myself when I start feeling resentful about my obligations. Do you ever feel this way?
At some point you have to give yourself permission to not attend your coworker’s baby shower, whom you barely know, because it seems like the nice thing to do. You’re allowed to decline your aunt’s birthday party and opt to play a board game, if what your family needs right now is some quality time together after a busy week. There is no shame in passing on a night out with your friends because what your body really needs is some extra sleep.
For all the parents reading this, the same goes for your kiddos too. We have to be very intentional about how many activities we’re signing our kids up for. Sports and other activities are a healthy and important part of a child’s development, but studies show that over-scheduled kids suffer from anxiety at higher rates. Our kids need activity and they need down-time. They need stimulation and they need boredom. We have a responsibility to provide them both.
As parents we want our kids to experience as much as possible, but we often have unrealistic expectations of what is possible. We owe it to our children to teach them how to prioritize their time, and sometimes that means choosing one activity over another. It may look like choosing to play baseball in the spring and soccer in the fall because doing both at once is too much stress on the family. It might mean we’re not taking guitar lessons because this season we’re learning to swim. It might even mean we do nothing for an entire summer except enjoy life together as a family.
I’m not telling you to say no to everything and become a hermit. Just the opposite, I want you to get out there and explore all the things you’re interested in exploring. But if you keep saying yes to everyone else, you won’t have any time left for yourself. All I’m asking is that you be thoughtful with your “yeses” from this point forward.
You care what others think.
One reason we say yes to so many things is because we give the opinions of others more weight than our own. We let what other people think influence how we live our own lives.
How many times have you committed yourself to something that you didn’t want to do, but agreed to it because you felt obligated? Our modern society places a lot of pressure on us to show up in a certain way. Beyond those external pressures, we also have our own internal dialogue to deal with. Some of us are people-pleasers. Some of us want to project a certain image to the world. But it all points back to us valuing the opinions of others over our own.
As a parent you may feel obligated to volunteer for school functions, bake brownies for the bake sale, and sell as many damn rolls of wrapping paper as you possibly can. But why? Why do you feel obligated? It’s ok if you want to bake brownies because you have a free evening and you enjoy baking. It’s also ok to send store-bought items, a cash donation, or to sit this one out.
As a human you may feel obligated to attend parties (so many parties), volunteer at a local charity, prepare food for church functions, and a host of other things. If your schedule is wide open and the party sounds fun, then go already! But it’s also ok to be the person who has a rule that you don’t attend baby and bridal showers. The ladies at the office might have a few opinions about that, but none of them are your business.
I want you to remember that other people don’t get to prioritize your time. Other people don’t get to tell you who you are or what you should want out of life. Only you get to do that.
You don’t ask for the help you need.
Some of the happiest, most content people I’ve met in life have a few things in common. One of those things is they aren’t afraid to ask for the help they need. They’ve built a support system around their lives and they utilize it. They lean on friends and family in times of need and they provide that same support in return. Many of them pay for the help they need, like childcare or cleaning services. They aren’t ashamed and do not apologize for needing help.
Many of us are trying to go at this life alone, even when we have people around us. It’s time to get back to a place where we lean on each other for support. But it is going to require us to reach out to each other and ask for what we need, without shame and without guilt. And in some cases, it will require tough conversations with partners and children about what you need from them. It is up to you to set the expectations.
I’ll share 2 ways I asked for help in the last few years, one big and one small.
The big one was hiring someone to come once a week and clean our house. It felt frivolous, and to be honest, it felt undeserved. I felt guilty about using our money for this when we should be able to keep our own house clean. But the truth is, we couldn’t, and it had become a huge source of our frustration. We run a full time business, have 2 school-age kids, some pets, a few side projects, and keeping up with the day-to-day stuff was all we could handle. So we hired a housekeeper to come once a week and it was the wisest investment we could have made.
The little way I asked for help was to have the kids carry their own dishes to the sink when they finished their meal. I told you it was little, and some of you are way ahead of me in this department, hats off to you. But here’s the thing. We were in the habit of doing EVERYTHING for our kids, because we believed it was faster if we just did it for them. Everything from clearing their dishes, putting on their shoes, and getting their backpacks ready. They are capable of doing all of these things! I’m happy to report they do them all now, plus many more, and life is much easier.
It’s the little daily habits that add a lot of chaos to our lives, and it’s the little daily habits that we often overlook.
Where in your life could you use a hand?
You don’t plan how you use your time.
If you don’t use some sort of planner, get one now. In fact, you can have the one I use for free. Download it here, print it out and start using it. This is non-negotiable.
My planner is my brain, seriously. I don’t know how I managed life before I used my planner. Oh wait, I didn’t manage life, life just sort of happened!
This is method I’m using right now to plan how I use my time each week:
Pick a day that you consider to be the start of your week. For me, that day is Sunday. On that day I want you to look at your week ahead. Look at what appointments and other commitments you have. You may already do this, but this is where I see most people stop with the planning process.
Next I want you to add all of the smaller stuff on your plate to your week. You’ll write down things like grocery shopping, mail package, drop off papers at accountant, fundraiser $ due… all that stuff. This will give you a crystal clear picture of everything that has to happen during the week. What day are you going shopping? Are you mailing your package that day too? Write this stuff down, so none of it sneaks up on you.
Don’t forget to add in time for yourself. Look at where you have blocks of time in your week to work on whatever goals you’ve set for yourself, or to spend some time doing something you enjoy.
Now, let’s take this one step further so you can become a time-managing ninja. Too corny? Yeah, I thought so. Let’s take a look at next week too. What is coming up that you could get done this week without a lot of extra stress. For example, you might see that you’re responsible for snack day at your kid’s school next Tuesday. Can you pick up the snack at the grocery this week so you don’t have to make an extra trip? Good job ninja. 😉
I have found that we create a large part of our own chaos when we don’t manage our time. Instead we react our way through each week, bouncing from one fire to the next. Sure, there are days where things get thrown off course, that’s part of life, but if you feel like this is happening everyday, I beg you to look at your planning habits.
You procrastinate.
I was a world class procrastinator. Top of my game. Elite status. If there was an award for procrastination, I’d wait until the night before to write my speech. In fact, to this day, I can still find almost anything else to do rather than write. I was even considering putting away laundry so I didn’t have to sit down to write this paragraph! But here’s the truth. Experience has taught me that when we procrastinate we create future fires and frustration for ourselves.
I’m afraid the only way to beat procrastination is to stop procrastinating. That’s just the cold hard truth. Like any new habit, you have to motivate yourself in the beginning, but over time it becomes part of how you live your life. While you’re building this new muscle, start with the little things.
Have an extra 10-15 minutes before a work meeting? That’s probably enough time to reply to one or two emails. Try picking up a birthday card on this week’s grocery trip instead of making an extra stop on your way to the party. Take the extra 2-3 minutes now to neatly stack containers in your cupboard so they don’t fall in your face on a busy morning.
One my mentors in this area include Brian Tracy, author of the book Eat That Frog. One tip he offers that I’ve used for years is when a task will take less than 2 minutes, do it now. Don’t put it off for later. This little tip has a fun side effect of eliminating a lot of clutter over time. Most things take less than 2 minutes to put away, so you just put them away (instead of letting them sit on the counter for 3 days).
A big part of our chaos is created when we put things off until the last minute, and then inevitably, something else pops up. You were going to pick up that birthday card but you were running late and didn’t have time. Something else always seems to pop up – especially when we’re already running late.
What will life look like when…
- you have a clear roadmap at the beginning of each week?
- you’re ahead of schedule and have time for yourself?
- you don’t feel resentful about your commitments and obligations?
- you worry less about the opinions of others and more about your own mental health?
- you request help from those around you without shame or guilt?